I met my husband when I was 20. We married, had a business together, two amazing kids and then, after 25 years; a QUARTER CENTURY later, I was facing a divorce. Our marriage was hard. Most are, but it was a struggle right from the beginning. We struggled with communication, intimacy, and the roles we should play. As time went on, our relationship became that of roommates and business partners. Not the team I had envisioned and longed for. We tried counseling multiple times and it never worked. It was a roller coaster of emotions; hope, sadness, and mostly loneliness. But I didn’t want to admit what our relationship had become, hollow and unfulfilling for both of us.
FAILURE
Without realizing it, I had lost my joy; I didn’t even know what that looked like, what it felt like anymore. Even with children, I didn’t have joy. I was angry and didn’t really know why. I was resentful, I was lonely, so incredibly lonely. I was not the mom I knew I could be and that made me angrier still. I couldn’t “fix” my marriage, more anger. Why did I stay? I kept thinking it was going to get better, it HAS to. I stayed because we had kids together, because I loved this man and was willing to walk through fire to make it work. Staying was more comfortable than the fear of what it looked like to be a single mom, two kids and out of a job. SO SCARED.
LONELINESS
A moment of clarity came when a dear friend ask me “when is the last time you experienced joy?” I couldn’t answer her, I didn’t know. How could I not know? I have kids, there should be a lot of joy! There was love, so much love for my children, but joy? No, I don’t think so. Too much loneliness, too much sadness.
In the last years of my marriage, I felt replaced. It became a competition for attention and eventually, I gave up. I just gave up. My self-worth, my confidence, my ability to dream became a struggle for me.
We fought often in front of our kids and I’ll regret that always. The example we set for them is something I’m not proud of. But I have learned to no longer use that as a way to beat myself up.
OVERWHELM
The night that he uttered the word mediation is a moment I will never forget. So often we talked about divorce but I was not prepared for the feeling of my world being shattered into a million pieces in one single word.
It was a blur after that, go about your day, pretend everything was ok on the outside, cry only in the shower when you were alone.
I felt traumatized and overwhelmed with grief and loss. Soon, knowledge of an affair rocked my world. My whole marriage felt like a lie. My last shred of confidence and self-worth fractured into nothingness.
I did grief counseling and therapy, acted strong for my kids, but I felt hollow inside.
Who was I if I wasn’t a wife? A part of this four-person family? A part of this business we created?
A better life was out there, but I didn’t know how to get there. I was desperate to find out.
STRENGTH
With the help of some amazing friends and family, I fixed up our house and got it sold. I found a place to live, I found a new job, and most importantly, I found strength.
Then, I found my way to life coaching and the changes were so profound that I became a certified Life Coach. It has completely transformed my life in ways I couldn’t have imagined and I don’t say that lightly.
What did I learn? That I have the courage to do things even when they feel insurmountable. That I’m stronger than I ever thought possible. I FOUND JOY. Learning how to process my emotions was key. I started dreaming again.
Becoming the mother that I always knew I could be has been one of the things I am most proud of. New friends and connections have changed my life.
There are still hard things, hard questions from my kids, and things from the past that resurface. But I can do hard things. I am committed to a life where I am all in with vulnerability, to be my authentic self ALWAYS.
CHANGE
Would I change my journey? The 18 months of heartache and pain? Absolutely not. I love the person I am today. I wouldn’t be this person without my journey. I wouldn’t be this person if I wasn’t willing to put in the HARD work, face myself in the dark moments, admit things to myself that I didn’t want to say, and learn to be alone. After a lifetime of self judgement, I learned to have compassion for not only myself, but the man I spent all those years with.
Helping others learn how to do the same brings me immeasurable joy. I am living proof that anything is possible.
Sometimes we just need someone to guide us, help us see our potential when we can’t see it ourselves.
That’s where I come in.
