CONTROL
Can I get a show of hands for all the people pleasers out there? I am in recovery, but still fall off the wagon now and then.
When we try to people please, it’s an attempt to control other people’s opinion of us to compensate for our own opinion of us. People are free to have WHATEVER opinion of us that they want. Whether that opinion is good or bad is none of our business and entirely out of our control. That’s hard for us people pleasers. We want everyone to like us. We become a chameleon; acting and saying things we think others want us to do and say. When we do that, people may like us, but it is a version of us. It isn’t the real us, the authentic us. So it’s really just a lie. True connection and vulnerability is built on who we really are, not the version we show to others. In the end, we are cheating ourselves out of meaningful relationships with people that will fully accept us for who we are; AMAZING and WORTHY.
RESENTMENT
Let’s say someone asks you to help with an event and while you would rather watch paint dry, you really want them to like you. So, you say yes and show up from a place of obligation instead of a true desire to help. When we do things for others that we may not want to, it builds resentment & anger. When you say yes out of obligation, it is in fact a lie – to yourself and to them. Tell people the truth – say no kindly because you are being kind to yourself & say yes out of love.
What if you weren’t afraid of what someone thought of you? FREEDOM. You have to be willing to let other people not like you so YOU can like you. Honor your own opinions, desires, and dreams. That’s where your authenticity lies. That is where I started to find joy.
I used to dull myself down, hide in the background and be what I thought others wanted me to be. It was exhausting and lonely and I felt empty. Talk about resentment. I didn’t know how to say no. I couldn’t show up as myself. Somewhere along the way I faded, looked to others for approval and to “give” me my self-worth. I didn’t even know I was doing it until a friend pointed out that I seemed to be more carefree around her, but changed when I was around certain people. She was right. With her I could be goofy, excitable, funny – MYSELF and it was always accepted. ALWAYS.
LOVE
Here is the goal: love yourself on purpose so when others don’t want to be with you, YOU want to be with you. You can believe whatever you want about yourself and no one can tell you otherwise. Smart? Check. Beautiful? Heck yeah. Hilarious? Yup. You won’t need to look to others for your self-worth. You CAN say no, and in doing so you can stop rejecting yourself. Tell yourself the truth (and other people) about whether you want to do things.
How do you love yourself ON PURPOSE? You need to bring up all the thoughts that prevent you from believing it. Dig up the self-loathing. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, young enough, worthy enough; ALL the thoughts you have. I filled two pages of my notebook with thoughts like these. I didn’t realize how little I thought of myself. When did that happen? These thoughts are pervasive and often we don’t even realize we think them. You have the CHOICE to believe it. Or not. Make a conscious decision that you will not believe those thoughts anymore. Of the 60,000 thoughts happening in our brains, we get to decide what belongs and what doesn’t.
FREEDOM
When someone leaves your life, you are left with just you – to do your own work, realize your own self-worth. During my separation and the months after my divorce, it was just me, alone with my thoughts. At times I was full of drama and other times I was thankful just to breathe. If YOU can’t be alone with you, how can you expect anyone else to be? Like attracts like and I was a mess in my head. If I ever wanted another relationship, I wanted it to be healthy and I had to get there. I learned to honor my thoughts and feelings. I learned to trust my judgement, be honest about saying no and love the yes. My name is Corlie Nelson and I’m a recovering people pleaser. The people in my life now love me for all of me, not a version of me that I can’t even like. Standing in my truth is freedom for me.
How does freedom sound to you?
I can help you get there.
