Recently I had to do some boundary work with some people in my life. Some with a person I don’t want in my life and some with people I do want in my life. It is extremely uncomfortable. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. But I am learning to put my own feelings first. To tell the truth. That is how I will create true intimacy in the relationships I want in my life.
INTIMACY
What do I mean by intimacy? A deeper connection where you feel safe just being who you are, you can tell the truth about yourself, and know the truth about others. Your people GET you. It brings you closer together, forms a bond built on trust, respect, and love. This is available with all our relationships.
So, what are boundaries? Boundaries are something we create for ourselves. They protect us emotionally and often lead to stronger relationships. Not what you would expect, right? We usually think of boundaries as a separation, a line in the sand. When we have a boundary, we must have a clear consequence that we verbalize. And we MUST follow through.
Someone always yells at you? Let them know that if they continue to yell, you are going to leave the room. They have the option to continue to yell or to stop. If they continue, you have been clear with your boundary and your consequence. Now you leave. This boundary is for you, to protect yourself emotionally. It has nothing to do with the other person. They still get to be who they choose to be.
REQUESTS
Do not confuse a boundary with a request. Requesting someone to take out the garbage or call you back or be more romantic, those are just that. Requests. When those requests aren’t violating your personal or emotional space, it is not a boundary issue. You can’t expect to control someone by giving a request and creating a consequence. That is just good ole manipulation. People don’t like to be controlled and this will not create intimacy. It will do the opposite. That is a guaranteed way to create distance and resentment.
Boundaries take courage, courage to honor what is best for ourselves. They take the ability to tell the truth. And the truth might make someone mad. It might hurt their feelings. Relationships built on lies and resentments prevent true intimacy and can actually create drama and conflict. That’s fun. I know firsthand.
Healthy boundaries come from a place of love. Love for yourself. I love ME enough to not allow someone to treat me a certain way. I love my friend enough to speak the truth and make our relationship even better. Those are hard things. But let me tell you from experience, boundaries will increase the peace in your life.
Want to learn more about setting boundaries? I am here to help you. I have the knowledge and I’ve practiced the skills. Send me an email and let’s get started!
