A DISAPPOINTMENT
If I can teach you this one piece of information about relationships and have you implement it in your life, it will be a game changer. Adults get to say and do WHATEVER they want. REALLY. When we have a manual, a book of rules, for the way someone should act, we will always be disappointed. During my marriage we were both guilty of this. We saw many counselors and they all would instruct us to write down what the other person could do to make us happy; hence the book of rules. My ex-husband literally had manuals for how I should be. I always failed. I wasn’t that person. Sure, I would try, but eventually I couldn’t be someone that I wasn’t. I was a disappointment. I would do the same to him. If you would do this, I would feel so connected and loved, just do that and I would feel special. If you could just change, I would finally feel loved. He always let me down; he couldn’t be someone he wasn’t.
HEAVY BURDEN
To be responsible for someone else’s feelings is a heavy burden and can affect your relationship in a very deep and painful way. By telling our spouse, “Here are my needs, and you need to meet them,” we become like a dependent child. When you expect someone to change to make you feel a certain way – happy, proud, loved, confident – you are handing over the power of your feelings to someone else. Why does this fail? Because people are terrible at following manuals. They may try for a while, but they can’t be someone they are not.
EXPECTATIONS & MANIPULATION
Can we have expectations and requests? Of course we can. But when we hang our emotional health on those expectations being met, we set ourselves up for disappointment. When we feel unloved, unhappy, insecure (insert whatever negative emotion here), we feel powerless. Enter in our friends manipulation and control. We manipulate our partner so we can FEEL better. Control what they do so they can fulfill our needs.
FINDING JOY
So what do we do, what is the answer? It starts with awareness. I have worked incredibly hard to become a person that meets my own needs. It didn’t happen overnight, it was a long journey for me. I have found joy and connection all while being single. If I couldn’t connect with myself, how was someone else going to? Until I could become completely responsible for my own happiness AND unhappiness, I didn’t want to enter another relationship. When two people agree to meet their own needs first and then come together to enjoy each other, THOSE are the best relationships.
IMAGINE
I can be high energy and a horrible singer, I have spontaneous dance parties with my daughter, I love sports that scare me a little (or a lot), I play my music loud and most of all, I’m vulnerable even when it’s scary. I refuse to dull myself anymore. This is who I am, take it or leave it. Imagine how freeing it would feel to truly be loved JUST AS YOU ARE? That’s the magic of an intimate, connected relationship. That is the gift you give each other.
The people in your life don’t have to change for you to feel better. The work starts with you.
That’s where I come in. I can help you get there.
