DREAD
Are you dreading Christmas? Last year I just wanted to skip it. I was newly divorced with two young kids. Turns out it wasn’t my year to have my children and the thought of waking up ALONE on my first “single” Christmas brought tears to my eyes every time I thought about it. I can still feel it, in my gut, the sadness and loneliness that I felt. People told me “it’s just one day” or “you can pick another day to celebrate”. That helped NOT.AT.ALL. Christmas Eve alone. I had amazing friends that tried to distract me, but there was a void. Christmas morning alone. I tried to repeat the advice of others – it’s just a day, just one day, there will be other days – but this was my first Christmas divorced, no family to celebrate with and it just plain sucked. I wanted to cry, but back then I was very good at stuffing my feelings. Ok, a couple of tears, but don’t dwell, get on with your day, be strong.
HELPLESS
I knew I was sad, but it was so much more than that. What hurt the most was knowing my kids had to be without one of their parents for the first time on one of their most special days. I couldn’t fix this for them or make it better. Watching them navigate this uncertain, painful new reality was like a hot poker to my heart. They just didn’t understand, how could they? I was still trying to navigate my own grief, and they were not responsible to take care of my feelings. My priority was always my two little humans. I tried to give them the space to feel, talk, be sad, and be frustrated. I often felt like a failure, they were struggling with this new family dynamic and it broke my heart. Were they ever going to have a chance at a healthy relationship someday? Would they even want one?
AWKWARD
So after distracting myself with what I do best when I want to resist my feelings, exercise, I had dinner with my former family so I could be with my kids and show them that their parents could be together from time to time. Sitting at that table that night was incredibly difficult on so many levels. My kids hoping that maybe this was a new beginning, me sitting beside the man I spent the last 25 years with and across from his parents that I knew so well. Same old stories, same people, but I knew there was no going back. I didn’t have to make these people like me anymore. I could just be me. BREATHE.
We were in his house and it felt awkward being the “other” parent there. Sounds crazy. The whole night was just awkward. Was it worth it? One hundred percent. I took my kids home that night and it was bitter sweet. They left with smiles and acceptance, but taking them from their dad’s house didn’t feel great. Their excitement at a second Christmas with mom was contagious and we made the best of our new normal.
NEW MEMORIES
That first Christmas happened before I discovered coaching. I haven’t had my kids for one single holiday since my divorce because of how the schedule fell. I have the skills to deal with it now and have made some great memories. This year I will have them for Christmas and I’m excited. I know it will be difficult for them to not be with the two people they love the most in the world at the same time, but I cannot fix this for them. I have learned that it’s ok for children to experience suffering, I just want to be there to hold space for them I also feel compassion for their dad. I have them and he will be alone. But just like my kids, I can’t fix this for him. I will take responsibility for myself and show up the way my kids need me to show up. What is my most important job with my children? Love, always love. The rest will take of itself.
Ready to learn the skills to start making new memories?
I am the coach to get you there.
