There is no such thing as toxic people, only toxic thoughts. This may raise a few eyebrows, but stay with me. This is a two part blog on toxic thoughts as it specifically relates to my life. If you can see a glimpse of yourself in my words or find yourself relating in anyway, then know you are not alone. Just know there is a possibility of a better way to live.
What is most toxic in your life? YOU. Your thoughts. The way you make fun of yourself. Those things you whisper to yourself. Or worse yet, the awful things you think without even realizing it. They are like poison to the mind.
How could I be so stupid?
Why am I so ugly?
I’m too old to learn or do something new.
I’ll never lose weight, just give up.
These thoughts will keep you from experiencing true joy. Wait, what? Keep reading. When you believe your inner monologue of toxic thoughts, you hold yourself back from seeing the amazing. From believing what is great about you. From being ALL IN! You can’t possibly experience joy when you think you’re stupid, or old, or fat, or ugly. I didn’t realize this until I recognized what I REALLY thought about myself. Then I had to decide I would no longer believe it. So here goes…
I grew up being teased by boys about my body. MERCILESSLY. After years of this, I told myself there was something wrong with me. You’re not beautiful, you look like a boy. But that’s ok, because you are very athletic and smart, so what you look like doesn’t matter. I told myself this lie for 30 years. Maybe more. I wore clothes two sizes too big to hide my body. Kept my hair long to distract from my face. Worked hard to get straight A’s. Excelled in sports. If I could just be productive, I would be good enough. Being a girl, being feminine isn’t important. LIES. My relationships with men solidified this belief for me. Low self-worth? I picked people that agreed with my opinions. I rejected all things feminine because it was just proof that I would never be that way. I didn’t realize how much pain this caused me. My own thoughts, damaging me more than anyone else possibly could have.
In the meantime, I was extremely disciplined about exercise and eating. It was the only way I felt I had some control over my worth. But really, I was masking feelings of inadequacy. I felt SO inadequate. I didn’t realize it at the time. I was secretly jealous of women that embraced there femininity. I would try to find things about them that were lacking so I could feel better about myself. JUDGEMENT because I was constantly judging myself. Look at my body in the mirror? Only to find the flaws. Never once did I love myself. I worked hard to look a certain way, but I never appreciated it. I just found more to dislike about myself. How real was this pain for me? I had surgery to make sure I didn’t look like a boy anymore. Would I change this decision? No. But do I wish I had done it just for myself and not to be accepted others? ONE HUNDRED PERCENT.
Fast forward to today. I’m still extremely disciplined about my exercise routine and eating habits. But now I’m ok with my reasons. I want to be healthy and strong and feel sexy in my own skin. Will I look at my body in the mirror? Most of it. At first I had to force myself. EVERY DAY. After some time, I learned to not hate myself. Then I learned to appreciate myself. But I haven’t won the battle yet. I’m the first to find my flaws. But now I don’t announce them. I don’t make fun of myself like I used to. I don’t argue with a compliment (even though my brain wants to), I hear it and accept it. I’m even learning to drink it in. And for the first time, maybe even BELIEVE it.
I appreciate the beauty in other women and freely give compliments. I make sure that they really HEAR the words. So often we don’t know what to do with a compliment because we don’t believe the words. THIS is who I want to be, how I want to show up in the world. To appreciate the beauty in myself and the beauty around me.
Since my divorce, my daughter has convinced me to paint my nails often, put crazy colors in my hair, and wear whatever the heck makes me feel good. It took my then 7 year old to teach me to embrace being a woman. She is a gift. She’s nine now and I make sure to tell her she’s beautiful all the time (and smart, kind, compassionate, etc.). More importantly than that, I ask if SHE think she’s beautiful. So far, she does. And she believes that I think I’m beautiful too. I refuse to teach my daughter my bad habits of toxic thoughts. My kids will never hear me say that I’m ugly, I am committed to that no matter what.
In today’s society we are told to tell our daughters that they are smart, kind, compassionate, ANYTHING but beautiful. We don’t want them to think their worth is tied to their looks. And I did this, until my daughter was 7. My parents never told my sister or me that we were beautiful. EVER. So why would I ever think such a thing? We as parents have an extremely powerful role in our children’s lives and our words matter. For me, as a woman, feeling beautiful is part of feeling strong, powerful, and sexy. I’m not going to apologize for that anymore.
I am 47. I was uncomfortable in my own skin for 46 of those years. It has taken a year of dedication to undo my toxic thoughts. My story of being ugly. Not good enough. Not really a woman. Now I know I can love the outdoors, be athletic and intelligent, and still paint my nails and wear dresses. I can be all those things. It is my choice. It has always been my choice. I just always chose to feel less than. Other people’s opinions can’t make us feel beautiful, or smart, or amazing. We have to believe it about ourselves.
If I can do it, you can too. Let me help you see your amazingness. It is your choice. It always has been.
