RESISTANCE
If we take a closer look at anxiety, it is usually the resistance of a feeling. In my marriage, I wanted to feel like I was part of a team. When I wasn’t included, I was hurt and disappointed. I didn’t know how to deal with these negative emotions so I fought the feelings by stuffing them down, DEEP down. I pushed them away and tried to ignore it. As they resurfaced, I fought harder to keep it down and that resistance created the feeling of anxiety. I didn’t have the tools to do anything differently. It is believed that many forms of depression are actually the exhaustion that follows this fight that can never be won. Was I depressed? Possibly. I can now recognize that the dullness became like a cloud over me.
SURVIVAL
Today, those patterns of worry, nervousness and unease only surface intermittently and I no longer fight against them. If I want to grow, it is my responsibility to recognize my thoughts and change my narrative. Is it easy? NOT AT ALL. Of all the work I have done on myself, this continues to be my biggest struggle. There is no blame to assign. Like so many of us, I used to get angry with myself, and I used the word pathetic to describe myself often. But I’m not pathetic, I’m human. I was hurt and in pain. I was just trying to survive, and I was in survival mode a lot.
SUPPORT
Anxiety for me felt like a hard lump in the pit of my stomach. I could feel it, but I didn’t know what it was. If you would have told me it was anxiety, I would’ve laughed. It wears you down mentally and emotionally. I couldn’t find joy, things became muted. I remember moments when I would have sparks of life; at the top of an amazing climb, teaching my kids to ski, riding my horse or being with close family. Those times saved me. I had become sad and lonely in my marriage and finally made the decision that if I couldn’t do life WITH my husband, I would do it without him. So I did. I discovered that along with that dull feeling, I could also feel strong and empowered and do things I’d never imagined. I became part of an amazing climbing partnership and we did things together that were physically difficult and mentally terrifying. I laughed like I hadn’t in years. We adventured, supported and conquered. I met other women and taught them some of the same skills. I became a leader and it filled some holes in my soul.
SELF-WORTH
While I found some pieces of myself, I still had that need to be wanted, loved, and ultimately accepted by my husband. I didn’t realize how much anxiety I had and how much I gave my sense of self-worth to him. Whether he wanted it or not, I gave him the power to determine how I felt; about myself and my life. I stopped trying to feel a connection in my marriage, but even after divorce, it took months for me to realize that I still wanted him to like me. Old habits die hard.
HEALING
Occasionally, I still have a hard time believing that when things are good, they really ARE good. My story has always been, “It can’t last, something will go wrong, I will be wrong“. That’s part of my work. One of the first steps to healing is to replace judgement of ourselves with compassion. I’m breaking an addiction and I’m re-programming my brain to walk away from the habits and mentalities that had become comfortable for me. I really did become comfortable in the unease. I would wait for it, anticipate it, forever on a high state of alert. What was I addicted to? Feeling needed. I was so good at taking care of his feelings. That was how I felt my value in my marriage and I needed it, my self-worth depended on it. For a while after our divorce, we still had that same pattern. I finally recognized how unhealthy it was and slowly stopped putting myself in that role. I still remember how incredibly challenging it was to cut that tie. SO HARD. But I was able to do it. I was on my way to getting my power back.
