HELP
If you have been betrayed and are in pain, this is the blog for you. More than that, if you feel stuck in that pain and isolation like you’ve failed somehow and are searching for help, THIS is the blog for you. If you can take anything from my writing, it is this: I have experienced hard things just like everyone else on this planet. Like so many others, I had the desire to get to a better place, I just didn’t know how to get there. I was scared and felt alone and taking the first step was petrifying. I will never regret reaching out and finding help.
I have waited a long time to write this blog. Then, I waited a long time to post it. I’m not sure why. Nervous? Scared? Vulnerable? Probably all of those. Mostly vulnerable. I knew I wanted to write about it using my own frame of reference, but it would have to be real. I want to be very clear, I’m not a victim. You won’t find blame or hate in these paragraphs. But it took me some time to get here. So let me begin.
LIES
Emotional affairs are just as destructive as physical ones. Looking back, I think the emotional affair was more painful than the physical because it was so personal. Both can destroy your sense of self. What you thought was true in the world, is really just a lie. Both can turn you into a crazy person, questioning your reality. Questioning EVERYTHING. What is the truth, when did the lies begin? How could I be so stupid? Am I really that ugly? What is she like? What do they talk about? What is wrong with me? That is the big one that loops in your head over and over and over again. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? It’s the not knowing that makes you feel like you’re losing your mind.
REJECTION
My first experience was with an emotional affair. I never knew if it was just an emotional affair or if it indeed turned physical. For months after we separated and even after we divorced, trying to answer that drove me INSANE! People would ask me or offer me their opinion often fueling my mind drama. If you saw me on the outside, I seemed normal, but on the inside, I was spinning out of control. She was a friend, or so I had thought and that betrayal also cut like a knife. I just wanted to know, to have an answer. I learned that that is one of the basic human needs; to understand and make sense of things. I couldn’t have peace until I had the answer (or so I thought). Then, I learned about a physical affair about a month after we separated. My self-worth was shattered. As a woman, this cut to the very core. How did it become so easy to lie to me? When I looked back, I saw signs, but we believe what we want to, whatever makes us feel safe. I didn’t want to believe my husband was capable of that. I didn’t want to believe that I was that replaceable. I found comfort in the discomfort. The feeling of rejection became the seed for all of my self-worth issues.
HATE
So now I knew. Divorce was imminent. I was consumed with hate. It was so much easier to hate him than to feel hurt. Broken. I hated the woman I thought was my friend. My mind spiraled with every negative thought imaginable. As the hate diminished, pain radiated. This is important. I was masking my pain with hate. Hate is such a “great” emotion to mask feelings we don’t want to feel. I didn’t want to feel pain. I didn’t know HOW to feel pain. How much of my marriage was a lie? What else didn’t I know about? SO MANY QUESTIONS AND NO ANSWERS. Interestingly enough, I worked through the hate for my ex-husband much faster than that of my “friend”. I never did hate the woman he had a physical affair with. She didn’t know me and it wasn’t personal for me.
JEALOUSY
Why I would like to totally gloss over this next part and not admit to the following, I am going to do so because I have committed to complete vulnerability in hopes that someone may see themselves in my story and feel understood. To know you can move past it. It took me a long time to realize why I hated my friend. In the end, the hate was really just a cover for all the jealousy that had been burning within me for years. I was so ashamed of being jealous. What a wasted emotion, a complete mind suck. I’ve got confidence. I’m smart. I’m stronger than that, right? But it wasn’t strength, it was a clear indication that I hadn’t felt “good enough” for a long time. I became both a martyr and a victim. I believed myself a doormat, no backbone. I hated myself. I didn’t set boundaries and allowed things in my life that I will never allow again. EVER. Does it make me a little sick to put this out there? I kind of want to vomit.
SELF-WORTH
Fast forward a few months and I’m in life coach school learning valuable skills and getting a lot of coaching. One of my colleagues tells me that she had been cheated on and now thanks that woman for helping end a failing marriage. I thought, “That’s great for her, I wish I felt that way”. I slowly learned that I didn’t need all the answers. It was more important to learn who I was, not about what he had done. I learned the betrayal had nothing to do with me and everything to do with how he thought about himself. It took me a long time to really GET that. It’s one thing to know something intellectually, but to really understand that it had nothing to do with me as a woman, a partner, and a person took some real work. You can’t just flip a switch in your brain. My self-worth was so damaged and I didn’t even realize it. I would be lying if I said I didn’t still have some struggles with this one from time to time. It’s my long-running story and it is taking some hard work to rewrite. I’m messy sometimes and I’m human.
RELIEF
How did I get set free from jealousy and hate? I fully accepted that it was normal to feel that way. When my coach looked at me and said: “Of course you feel jealous, there is nothing wrong with you, it’s totally normal.” I started to cry. RELIEF. I was totally human and I was just stuck. I was beating myself up constantly for feeling jealous. I had to see that I was causing all of my own suffering. When I told myself she was somehow better than me, I suffered. When I told myself that he liked her more than me, I suffered. When I told myself that feeling jealous was weak, I suffered. I didn’t want to suffer anymore. It was time to take care of me.
COURAGE
I worked daily on my thoughts about myself. It didn’t happen overnight, but the hard work paid off. I have so much compassion for “the me” that existed during those years. I have compassion for the man that dealt with his own demons in the best way that he knew how. Our thoughts can be so destructive. It doesn’t serve me to hate him. It doesn’t serve me to blame him. I would rather focus on my future and I can’t do that if I’m his victim. We are friends now and work together as best we can to raise our children. I remember when I smiled to myself, thanking the woman that he had an affair with. Thank you for changing my life into something I may never have had the courage to do on my own. Thank you for catapulting me into a world where I now embrace courage and vulnerability. With all the lessons I have learned from this, I now have the honor of helping other people heal. If I can help one person feel normal, then it is all worth it.
That’s where I come in. I have been where you are and I can help get you where you want to go. It would be so easy to stay bitter and resentful, but we are the only ones that suffer. I have been through this and I can show you the way. We never fail when we make efforts to grow. EVER.
