TIME
How does time play in to grief? It doesn’t. In fact, time has nothing to do with it. That’s one of the biggest myths. Just give it time. That is not true at all. Time can pass. It’s not the amount of time that passes, it’s what you do with that time. It’s what you choose to think during that time. Time in and of itself doesn’t do anything. I’ve seen some people that have been divorced for 10 years and they are still bitter and angry. That is not grief. It is all about neural pathways; we think a thought, we feel a feeling, we reinforce that thought and we create a pattern. Most of the time this happens subconsciously. So, time doesn’t just alleviate that. If we keep thinking the same thought and having the same feeling, we just keep reinforcing it. Instead, we have to become conscious of our thoughts to break the pattern of suffering. I had so many negative emotions wrapped up in my grief and it was a continual loop in my head that just became a truth for me. I believed they were facts and not just thoughts. Once I learned to separate out all my emotions, grief was actually the easiest one to deal with. It was the anger, hate, blame, jealousy, shame, sadness, rejection, etc. that I really had to work on. It was ugly and hard to look at, but necessary for growth.
SUPPORT
My saving grace came in the form of a few close friends and my amazing sister. I’m not sure what I would’ve done without them during that bleak time. They listened, over and over again to what was probably the same thoughts all the while loving me through it. Let’s be clear, it was OVER AND OVER AGAIN! I get very emotional when I think of these amazing people in my life. You have to be able to talk about it, ALL of it. You need to be able to just process what it is that happened, be able to tell your story as many times and as often as you need to until you’re ok with it.
FEELINGS
Oftentimes, people want to shove it down because they’re afraid it’s going to be some big black hole that they’ll get sucked into and never come out. Allowing a feeling to just be there, that is a skill that we aren’t taught. I had to learn it, and it wasn’t easy. In the case of a lot of the moms that I work with, they’re telling themselves this well-intentioned lie that they need to take care of their children first; that they’ll help their children and there will be time for them to grieve later. Guess what? That time never comes. I was one of those moms. If we don’t take care of our own grief, we can’t truly help our kids with ANYTHING.
SURVIVAL
When we don’t accept the past as it is – and this is for death, loss, or for anything – when something has happened that you don’t want to have happened, you can spend the rest of your life negotiating it. You can spend the rest of your life surviving it over and over and over again. It leaves you so powerless. You give your power away to something you can’t control, you will NEVER control. Once I starting taking my power back, I reassessed my life. Who do I want to be? How do I want to show up? Am I making a difference? I want to love what I do, not just do what needs to be done to survive. I’m living proof that loss, grief, and hard work can lead to a complete transformation. Along the way, I allowed myself days to struggle and worked hard not to judge myself (self judgement is a bad habit of mine). I continued to talk when I needed to and did a lot of writing when I felt stuck. That was my healing journey, yours will be unique to you. I can now fully embrace the thought that my marriage was meant to end and that that relationship is complete.
LOVE
I’d like to end with this thought. People often don’t know what to say to others that are going through something devastating. Even if you’ve had your own very personal experience, your experience is yours alone and it’s just not possible to know how each person will react. It is so easy to feel alone in grief, but it can also be a place for love. So, “I love you, I’m sorry this happened. I’m here for you.” And “How are you today?” are two very easy things to say to your friends. You don’t have to say the perfect thing, just show up with love. If you find yourself stuck in the healing process, I have been there. I can teach you the tools to heal. Coaching is extremely powerful. I’m living proof.
