Relationships aren’t about luck.
In the almost two years since my divorce, I’ve committed to having deeper connections, better relationships. A better relationship with myself, a loving, honest, and compassionate relationship with my kids, deeper, more authentic friendships, and a healthy, intimate relationship with a man.
Of the four, the hardest has been with myself. Those of you that have read some of my writing know that my self-worth and body image has been a daily struggle for me. But I persevered and worked daily to rewrite the story that I have told myself for three decades. If I don’t like myself, I’ll find others that agree and treat me accordingly. That was me. But not now. I like myself now. I actually kind of love myself. That didn’t come easily. It took honesty, courage, and a good dose of vulnerability. Now that I really, truly like myself, I’ve surrounded myself with people that agree.
Then there is the relationship with my kids. My amazing, beautiful, strong children. Writing about them always brings tears to my eyes. They continue to teach me about life. That they will pretend that everything is ok if I let them. That they will carry the burden of worry if I let them. That divorce is still difficult for them two years in. But I want to be the mom that gives them the platform to be honest. Even when it is hard to hear. They are my biggest joy. My biggest teachers. The tough conversations we have had and will continue to have in the future have made me a better mom and person. I try to be an example for them of how to be in the world. Communication and compassion continue to be the cornerstones of our relationship.
My relationships with my friends are something I cherish (I include my sister in this group as she is more than a sister, she is my friend for life). They are deep, honest, fun, and full of real discussions; I wouldn’t trade these people in my life for anything. They have taught me to look at myself, to have the courage to have discussions that I wasn’t capable of having a few years ago, and that when push comes to shove, they’ve got my back ALL.DAY.LONG. They are my tribe and I worked hard to build it. They’ve rallied around me when I needed it emotionally this year and also physically when I had two major accidents. And I would do the same for them. In a heartbeat. They know that.
And how about that relationship with a man. I have had a few since my divorce. Each has taught me something valuable about myself. What I want to work on, how I want to show up differently, what worked and ultimately, what did not. And after each ending, it hurt. I allowed myself to be sad for once in my life. But I knew my work was paying off. Each relationship was healthier than the last, I was healthier. I knew what I wanted. From myself and from a relationship. I now knew who I was and I wasn’t compromising. I wasn’t sitting in a corner anymore. I don’t like being dulled down. I’ve got a big purple streak in my hair, a flair for some off-color language, a penchant for some crazy music, and that’s got to be ok. I connected with someone during a very vulnerable point in my life. He took me to doctor’s appointments, took me out for meals, and walked beside me all while I had a huge neck brace on. It wasn’t easy to think about putting my best foot forward with this awkward thing front and center. I was embarrassed. I embraced the embarrassment and did it anyway. In the end, I knew this accident was God’s way of forcing me to slow down and just relax into what could be if I just allowed it.
The relationship is still new, but it has far exceeded my goals for what I want in a partner. And I have very clear goals. If you don’t know what you want, what you are looking for, and what you are willing to do within yourself to get it, how will you ever achieve any goal? I don’t expect him to be anyone other than who he is and in return, I get to be exactly who I am. EXACTLY WHO I AM. Wow, that also makes me want to cry. THAT is true intimacy. It feels pretty amazing.
So back to my first point about luck. Luck won’t build deep connections. Luck won’t inspire honesty and vulnerability. Luck won’t teach you to appreciate yourself and others. Luck won’t lead to intimacy. That all takes work. Hard work. I have done the work. I continue to do the work. Because we’ll never master it. Why would we want to? Learning and growing are pretty amazing (and incredibly scary) from where I’m sitting. A year ago I would’ve told myself this relationship was about luck. It’s not. It’s an amazing opportunity. And I’m in.
If you are ready to make a change, I’m here for you. If I can do it, you can too. I can teach you to do hard things, be there to show you how.
I will hold your hand through it all because I know what it takes.
You don’t fail when you try. And if you never try, you’ll never know. Let me help you try.
